What An Lousy Film...

So my friend Yokie asked me about the film "The Da Vinci Code". She came in on the middle of it and was just totally lost. (I keep telling her not to do that just for that reason. No one listens to me.)

I told her not to bother watching it again, just because it sucks. And I felt that way leaving the theater after watching it with my brother Dave.

At the time, I didn't like it because of the flat acting and the AWFUL, contrived dialogue. And the idea that the Knights Templar would devise secret methods of tracking down secrets that are completely dependent on the previous step being perfectly divined by those doing the tracking. In other words, if one mistake is made, you'd wreck the message and never be able to figure out the whole story and free humanity from its prison. Hardly an intelligent way to get one's story out.

But yesterday, I thought of another reason: The premise of the films central conspiracy contradicts itself.

The story says the divinity of Jesus was completely fabricated by the church 100 years after Jesus died to oppress everyone - but especially women - for all time.

Okay.

But then the story praises the divinity of the feminine. The "sacred bloodline" only passes down by females being born to the latest female heir. Statistically about impossible without some mystical influence, but okay.

But then... Sophie heals two people.

How would that happen again? The Jesus story was all a lie, right? He wasn't divine, just a man with some radical ideas that "The Patriarchy" subverted after his death.

So how can Sophie inherit the ability to heal from her ancestor Jesus if he was just a man?

If Sophie can heal folks, then God can grant that power to whomever He chooses. If you accept that, why not that He could have given his seed to Mary and therefore Jesus was at least half-divine?

The story isn't even consistent within itself unless one somehow accepts that a God would send a man to invest his magic jizz in Mary Magdeline's hoochie to create a "girl power" bloodline that would save humanity. Cuz, you know, mankind is all evil and stuff. Girls know how to fix everything*.

And did I mention that the expository dialog is just really, really bad? The characters speak like a grade school teacher blandly reciting boring texts.

Oh, and mortally-wounded geezers can run all over a museum and use invisible blood to make cryptic messages on paintings before arranging themselves in imitation of famous Da Vinci sketches and dying.

* - which hardly explains why sub-Saharan Africa is such a shithole. Matriarchy quickly descends into men running wild, killing one another, using all manner of better living through modern chemistry (or plain old booze) and impregnating any female that will stand still (as well as those that won't).... All while watching women do all the work. Sounds like our inner cities...

I've now wasted far too much time thinking about a shitty film.