My Sentiments Exactly

Lucie: It's totally weird that Old Spice uses Doogie Howser in those new commercials.
Nate: Why? Because he came out?
Lucie: Yeah!
Nate: Why should that matter?
Lucie: Old Spice is the deodorant for straight guys!
Nate: Huh? Then what the fuck deodorant is the deodorant for gay guys?
Maria: Secret?
-On essential coverups

http://www.pointsincase.com/quotes

Next thing you know, Bruce Campbell will come out. I think the world just might end if that happens. He's my hero.

more goodness:

"I'm not like those other guys.... I respect you bitches!
-Cricket, almost nailing the pick-up line


Cody: So yeah, ET scared the shit out of me, with him all runnin' around and that stupid glowing probe finger.
Dime: When I saw Jaws it scared me. I was afraid to walk down the alley by my house 'cause I thought the shark was going to jump on me.
Cody: Ain't you from Illinois?
Dime: Yeah.
Cody: That's officially the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard.
-Breaking new ground on stupid fears

Cuz it would make a difference if he was scared of sharks in the alleys of Miami?
Moving on...

Aunt Julie: Darlene, it's okay that your daughter is a lesbian. She's still your daughter, and you'll always have to love her for who she is.
Aunt Joan: I know it's hard to accept right now, and it's going to take some time, but she'll always be Larissa.
Uncle Scott: And just think, she doesn't need condoms. She needs a bib.
-An awkward coming out with the family


K Si: If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Mikey: Midget porn!
Joe K: Amputee strippers!!
TK: Retards!!!
-Not getting the whole "rhetorical thing"

I can so very much see this one happening:
Documentary Narrator: ...and these conjoined twins have lived together for 4 decades.
Frank: What happens when one dies before the other?
Wendy: South Park happens.
-On timely follow-ups

Phil: I'm so sick and tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about!
Manny: What do you mean?
-Walking in at the wrong time

I want to say something for this next one, but I'm drawing a major blank.

Jon: Steve works here right?
Frank: Yeah, but how the hell are we going to find him in a supermarket this huge? Wait, Steve's quarter Jew right?
Jon: Yeah.
Frank: So we drop a penny on the ground, wait for 4 times as long as a normal Jew, and Steve will show up.
-On the law of attraction