Screw Peter Benchley anyway...

For atmosphere while reading this, go here: http://darter.ocps.net/classroom/klenk/shkpress.htm I found this on my searches (make sure to use Internet Explorer, your sound and spreakers are on and MIDI enabled on your browser, otherwise, don't waste my time emailing or commenting how "It didn't work").

Anyway....

I hate sharks. I REALLY, REALLY hate sharks. I hate sharks so much I cannot even state how much I hate them. Not as much as Jorge Bush and the Clintons, but I really do hate them.

I hate them so much because I am so scared of them. As in, right now. In Indianapolis, in a cubicle listening to Joe Satriani's "Time Machine" album. I think of swimming while on vacation two years ago. And swimming as a kid at Old Silver Beach in Falmouth, Mo Beach in Mo Beach and Mayo Beach in Wellfleet. Then I think of 1191-lb-non-winning-entries-into-fishing-contest Tiger Sharks and 30' Carcharodon carcharias getting "trapped" inside Boston Harbor. (Yeah, right. The SHARK was trapped! I think it was just hoping someone would be dumb enough to try and give it directions out of the harbor. "Okay Jawsee, you go left at the Pissa Baanaacle Rock and then AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SHIT!! WHAT THE HELL---........(GLUB, GLUB, GLUB...)"

Now as a rational person, I know the chances are better for my hitting the lottery than getting killed by a shark. And that Tiger Sharks mostly swim in deep water for their favorite meals. And as this site (http://www.ucmp.berkeley.edu/vertebrates/Doug/shark.htm) points out: "more people are killed in the U.S. each year by dogs than have been killed by white sharks in the last 100 years."

These facts do NOT assuage my fears. It just makes me think we all need to be much more wary of dogs. (I mean, do my dad's or brother's dogs lick me to tell if TODAY's the day I taste good enough to eat?)

So I will continue to hate sharks. Not that that it matters to those cold-blooded bastards. They'll just sit there in Cape Cod Bay, waiting for my dumb ass to lower its guard and swim in the ocean while wondering "How much are gas-powered spearguns? Or stainless steel chain mail suits?".

Then I realize I don't have the money for such things. And I can only hope the feces I shoot out upon seeing the shark will work as well as the Bat-Shark-Repellant that every super-hero happens to carry in their helicopter. Or hope that some dolphin will heroically throw itself in front of the shark in the nick of time.

And finally, yes, these are the things that occupy my thoughts while I'm supposed to be working.

It seems the longer I work for the Federal Government, no one can even tell if I'm working or not.