Brain... Hurts...

What the hell is wrong with THESE morons?

(Hat tip to Rachel Lucas)

What WAS This?

Doing more blogging since Shane's whinging...

Came home yesterday and this:



was in my driveway. I'm not sure, but I think it was dead. I'm really not for sure cuz it was gone this morning. I didn't scoop it up cuz it was raining when I came home last night.

First (and HAPPY!) thought was that it was a cat. But the claws don't look right to me. I looked up possums and their feet/paws don't look the same either. Other than that I'm clueless of what sorta critter it could be.

It was about a foot long, BTW.

EDIT: Holy shit, is that a dog? I sure hope not. I hate to think what around here coulda done that to a freaking dog.

EDIT 2: Found it. Whatever was munching on it pulled it into the space between my garage and the fence. It looks more worked over now and reeks pretty freaking bad when you get close enough to take a pic. I'm back in the house typing this and I think I'm going to vomit.

Them Secret Agent Squirrels ARE Sneaky...

(Vox was right!)

"To mask their odor from rattlesnakes, California ground squirrels and rock squirrels chew on sloughed-off snake skin and smear it on their fur, according to a new study."

From HERE.

Fascinating article.

Must Be A Muslim Squirrel...

Animal Jihad Fever! Catch it!

Okay, this is just too dang disturbing...

Too weird.

Moved up for some friends to view.

EVERYBODY: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

New addition to the family...

puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy

KAYLEE KAYLEE

puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy

KAYLEE KAYLEE

puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy
puppy puppy puppy puppy

DAWWWWWG, IT'S A DAWWWWGGGG

(repeat ad nauseum...)

One Reason I'm Glad I Did NOT Swim On Cape Codde This Yeare...

THE REASON

See my previous thoughts on this subject HERE and especially HERE.

And speaking of sharks, I just realized (BESIDES the fact that I know I'm about to show off just how much of a pathetic comic geek I is) that Magneto getting attacked by the shark in X-Men 188 was totally fake. He survived because his suit was made of chain mail. But if that were the case, he woulda sunk in the water while unconscious! DUH!

I Ain't Lion, This Is A Fascinating Article

On lions, that is. VERY graphic in parts, but very interesting.

Too Much Pussy At My House!

There I was the other night, on the phone with a crazy person while lying on my bed in the back of my house.

My front living room door and my side kitchen door were open for ventilation, but the outer doors were deadbolted.

I heard a clatter arising from my front porch. I was already carrying my Taurus PT145, so I told the crazy person to wait a second, put the phone down and walked to the living room. Gun drawn, safety off, finger off the trigger. (You have to maintain discipline, even in possible crisis situations.)

And it was a stupid cat! I think it was splotchy orange & white. How cats make that much noise is beyond me. I thought they were supposed to be stealthy. They never make that much noise when I'm looking to hit them with a baseball bat, let me tell ya.

So I told the crazy person about it and got laughed at. I told someone non-crazy (errr... maybe they are... it's likely up for debate) and they agreed those things must be taken seriously.

Cats LOVE disturbing me too. They frequently poop in the ground cover (I think it's Ivy, maybe there's some catnip mixed in?) next to my next-door neighbor's house which faces my kitchen door. Which as I mentioned I often keep open. They make so much noise in there, the first two times it happened I reached for my gun, thinking someone is screwing around in my driveway. Now I just yell at them, recognizing the sound.

And since I moved the PC onto the kitchen table, I keep seeing this B&W cat roaming my backyard. Over and over. Back and forth in my line of sight. And now it's got a grey kitten pal accompanying him/her.

I know they're not doing anything to deserve me hating them, but I do anyway. Hate them, that is. Stupid cats.

I bet if I put the badly-limping one that shows up from time to time out of its misery with my sledgehammer and hang its corpse up as a warning to others, they'll stop coming around.

Ya think?

I'm MAD About MAD COW!

Madness re: MAD COW DISEASE!

This case has been going on for a while. I just rolled my eyes when I heard of it the first time.

But if you really think the government's looking out for you, read this article. The feds are filing a lawsuit about testing for Mad Cow disease.

As in, PREVENTING a company from doing that testing on every cow slaughtered for meat.

Why? Well "The Agriculture Department regulates the test and argued that widespread testing could lead to a false positive that would harm the meat industry."

At least that's what they want you to think. But this is likely just bribed bureaucrats keeping a small company from making advertisements like this

"Every one of our cows of their is tested. Is yours?"

Some big agri-bizness exec is very likely paying off someone at the AG DEPT to keep their expenses down.

Our safety is not their concern. Almost ever.

Always follow the money.

This Water's More Than "Knee-Deep"!

HA! I kill me.

Great stuff, if I DO say so myself.

Anyway, this article's weird.

Good Riddance!

THIS serves those shark bastards right!

I HATE sharks, as evidenced HERE and HERE.

THIS is a fascinating article on orcas munching on Great Whites.

Go read it!

Am I REALLY So Wrong...

... for laughing at THIS?

"Catapult boy is eaten after taunting crocodile in pen"

"A schoolboy who climbed over a fence into a crocodile enclosure and taunted the animals with sticks and a catapult was dragged into the water and eaten."

Great story! I'm loving it.

I guess I'm just a sick bastard.

But that's pretty evident from reading most of my blog entires.

This BEE Not Cool.

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?

"It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up."

and

"Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

I like bees. They're neat to watch and I love honey.

I even pet them for fun, though almost no one believes me when I say this until I do it in front of them. (Bumblebees only, thanks. Honey Bees are too tempermental.) I think I may just have to record myself doing it and put it on YouTube.

Anyway, I hope this isn't true and there's a quick and easy fix to bring back the bee populations. (Yeah, right!)

Okayyy... Texas Is RIGHT Out!

As is anywhere else this can happen:

This BEE awful!

"CORPUS CHRISTI -- After two weeks, 91-year-old Manuel Trevino (treh-VEEN'-yoh) is still pulling the stingers out of his hide.

Trevino was cutting brush on his South Texas ranch near San Diego on March 31st when he was stung more than a thousand times by Africanized bees. "

and

" Specialists at a Corpus Christi hospital worked for 12 days to remove the stingers, treat his eyes and supervise dialysis after the bee venom shut down his kidneys.

His daughter, 55-year-old Gracie Gonzales, said it was a miracle he survived. In her words -- "He's like a cat with nine lives, either lucky or God's just not ready for him yet.""

WTF? How rude insects can bee.

Too many freaking Wetbacks AND killer bees? I shan't be moving to ol' Texas anytime soon.

Is Kitty Columbine Next?

WTF?

It's not often anymore that I'm shocked by stupidity anymore. Well, colour me shocked.

"It was a classic case of clinical depression.

The patient would not go out for fear of being bullied, moped around the house and sought comfort in eating.

Eventually there was nothing for it. Twiglet the cat had to be put on Prozac."

"Twiglet???"

"Twiglet???"

"Twiglet???"

(Say it with Jon Lovitz's voice, it's much funnier. "Tarlet?" Oh my god, I just quoted Friends on my blog. Do I have to cut my nuts off now?)

Back ON TOPIC... Hey,I thought that's what catnip was for. Of course, I'd just as soon put arsenic in the kitty dish than Prozac.

But I like dead cats. And that's why I love this picture:














I feel so much better just looking at it.

Ahhhhhh.....

Do you ever hear of DOGS being put on Prozac?

NO!

I don't think so!

Why?

Because dogs are so cool they don't need it!

(I should shut up before someone thinks of doing, although in the pit of my stomach I KNOW someone already has.)

Screw Peter Benchley anyway...

For atmosphere while reading this, go here: http://darter.ocps.net/classroom/klenk/shkpress.htm I found this on my searches (make sure to use Internet Explorer, your sound and spreakers are on and MIDI enabled on your browser, otherwise, don't waste my time emailing or commenting how "It didn't work").

Anyway....

I hate sharks. I REALLY, REALLY hate sharks. I hate sharks so much I cannot even state how much I hate them. Not as much as Jorge Bush and the Clintons, but I really do hate them.

I hate them so much because I am so scared of them. As in, right now. In Indianapolis, in a cubicle listening to Joe Satriani's "Time Machine" album. I think of swimming while on vacation two years ago. And swimming as a kid at Old Silver Beach in Falmouth, Mo Beach in Mo Beach and Mayo Beach in Wellfleet. Then I think of 1191-lb-non-winning-entries-into-fishing-contest Tiger Sharks and 30' Carcharodon carcharias getting "trapped" inside Boston Harbor. (Yeah, right. The SHARK was trapped! I think it was just hoping someone would be dumb enough to try and give it directions out of the harbor. "Okay Jawsee, you go left at the Pissa Baanaacle Rock and then AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, SHIT!! WHAT THE HELL---........(GLUB, GLUB, GLUB...)"

Now as a rational person, I know the chances are better for my hitting the lottery than getting killed by a shark. And that Tiger Sharks mostly swim in deep water for their favorite meals. And as this site (http://www.ucmp.berkeley.edu/vertebrates/Doug/shark.htm) points out: "more people are killed in the U.S. each year by dogs than have been killed by white sharks in the last 100 years."

These facts do NOT assuage my fears. It just makes me think we all need to be much more wary of dogs. (I mean, do my dad's or brother's dogs lick me to tell if TODAY's the day I taste good enough to eat?)

So I will continue to hate sharks. Not that that it matters to those cold-blooded bastards. They'll just sit there in Cape Cod Bay, waiting for my dumb ass to lower its guard and swim in the ocean while wondering "How much are gas-powered spearguns? Or stainless steel chain mail suits?".

Then I realize I don't have the money for such things. And I can only hope the feces I shoot out upon seeing the shark will work as well as the Bat-Shark-Repellant that every super-hero happens to carry in their helicopter. Or hope that some dolphin will heroically throw itself in front of the shark in the nick of time.

And finally, yes, these are the things that occupy my thoughts while I'm supposed to be working.

It seems the longer I work for the Federal Government, no one can even tell if I'm working or not.

More slugs!

I forgot to write this last night. I stepped on another damn slug! What's with these things? Why must they torture me? I need to open another beer and refills my traps. Or maybe I can get some better stuff at Lowes tomorrow.

Maybe I should convert to Christianity and beg God to keep the slugs away from my house so I won't get mad and kill them.

EDIT: I forgot to write that this was in BARE FEET! That slug goo was just as hard to get off the bottom of my foot as it was my hand in the first post below. But this time I went straight for the Kleenex. It sure does seem as though I'm always using Kleenex to get goo off of my body...

Those slug bastards!

Soooooo... I'm winding down from a nice busy day of doing nothing much and want a nice little Mint Julip. The idea sticks in my head even though I'm low on Bourbon. So I say "Fuck It!" and go outside to grab some fresh mint out of my garden.

And LO and behold! There's a stinking slug on my pot holding said peppermint! I grab his slimy ass and slam it down onto the rocks in my gravel driveway. I decide (rather smartly, I must say) to wash my hands before picking my mint.

Good call on my part. I go to the bathroom and start washing my hands. There's a viscous goo that's not coming off with soap clinging to my fingers. I scrub like a motherfucker but nothing doing. It holds fast. Let me take a moment to describe this stuff:

It's crystal clear. About an eighth of an inch thick and there are these little bits of something in the goo. I can't pull it off, I can't rub it off, I can't scrub it off. It's clinging with the vengeance of a slug demon.

I get out the FAST ORANGE and it still doesn't come off! Now if you don't know what Fast Orange is, I bought it back when I used to change my own motor oil on my car. It's gritty and cuts through 10w30 like it's hardly there. But there's still this shit sticking to me.

Now I start freaking out a little bit. I don't know why, I just did. I was wondering if there was some exotic foreign slug that exudes flesh-eating bacteria or something. You know, like something some damn illegal Mexican would bring over.

But I grabbed some dry Kleenex and used that to wipe it off. Then I used the Fast Orange again and then lots of hot water and soap.

Then I ran outside with the flashlight, found the bastard's slimy corpse and found an empty planter plastic thing. Then I put it on top of the slug and stomped it until my foot hurt. Then I took THIS PICTURE!












Then I took these little plastic cups and put them into my garden. Then I filled them with beer to lure and drown these slimy shits before they can munch on my garden anymore. Good fucking riddance.

Acutally, I still feel queasy describing it. And I actually started this blog JUST to write about this disgusting episode. So there you have it.