Can I Get A List?

Of things that are SO fucking disgusting that a dog will NOT stick it in their mouth?

That list has got to be awfully fucking short.

I don't even know what it was I just pried from Drake's mouth. I'm quite sure I don't want to know what it was either. I won't describe it for the sake of my meager audience.

But the stench is making me ill. I just rubbed whiskey up my nostrils to get the scent gone.

A RAA-HEEEAAALLLLLYYYYYY Bad Sign...

(My Dr. Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhxxxxxx tribute there.)

http://www.slate.com/id/2187648/T

We're training college students to lord it over the rest of us. Pretty it up all ya want, it's a horrifically bad idea.

One Good Thing If The Magic Negro Is Elected:

There will probably be lots of Billy Carter-type stories out of the White House, with a funky African twist!

"Abo... (no, I'm NOT making that name up!) Where's the First Dog?"

"On the Barbie, Michelle!"

A non-stop State Department / Secret Service disaster of folks popping up and saying "Let me in, I'm the President's brother!"

It might even approach the unintentional comedy level of Slick Willie's cartoon presidency.

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=59850

I Love The Internets. Part Deux.

And this:



Youz gozta knows howzta treat dem bitches!

One Doggie Bath Down...

And just as quickly rendered useless.

EMERGENCY VENTING = BEGIN

I took Drake out back and hosed him down. He didn't like that or the lathering up. I could sympathize, it was a bit chilly out and I got plenty wet too. But we got all the way through the rinse cycle with him trying to wrestle away the whole time.

It was some work to get it done, but truth be told... I had fun.

Okay, fine.

Get Drake inside and give him some water and some food. Take him for a quick bathroom walk.

Okay, fine.

Put Drake in kennel and go to Lowes for some wire mesh and some zippy ties to make his too-large kennel smaller.

Gone for less than 40 minutes. Return. Drake has pissed all over the kennel and is sitting in it.

Okay, NOT fine.

I realize this is sort of a rescue dog operation in which I'm participating. He's not been trained and he's some nine months or so old at this point.

But Drake really needs to give me a LITTLE bit of a break here.

Okay, back to fine after a little internal screaming.

Take Drake out, walk him again, clean kennel. Allow kennel to dry while bending the wire fence into shape.

Less than 30 minutes of working on this, Drake pisses right next to me. No whining warning whatsoever.

Yell at dog profusely, he looks chagrined. Take him outside AGAIN.

Pour shot of whiskey.

Getting back to fine, except I am covered in dog hair and urine wash-off and it's thundering something fierce. So I'm a little too hesitant to go take a blazing hot shower. So here I sit on one knee in front of my PC, nekkid. Waiting for the storm to pass so I can wash mahself something fierce. Probably everything, top to bottom. Twice. Maybe thrice, as completely scummy as I feel.

God, grant me forbearance. Lots. ASAP. Please?

(And I think I want kids sometimes?)

Now My House Smells Like Dog...

That's Drake on the left. I'm "dog sitting" for a month so he can go join his sister Kaylee out east. That's Boston, the brown dog in the middle. The third dog is Carl, my dad. I thought Drake should meet the other canine in the extended family.

I took him for a walk around the block and then fed him. Then took him out back and he played some good, enthusiastic fetch for a bit.

Now we're vegging out for a bit, waiting for a friend to come visit.

Next up: doggie bath. I'm not looking forward to it.

What WAS This?

Doing more blogging since Shane's whinging...

Came home yesterday and this:



was in my driveway. I'm not sure, but I think it was dead. I'm really not for sure cuz it was gone this morning. I didn't scoop it up cuz it was raining when I came home last night.

First (and HAPPY!) thought was that it was a cat. But the claws don't look right to me. I looked up possums and their feet/paws don't look the same either. Other than that I'm clueless of what sorta critter it could be.

It was about a foot long, BTW.

EDIT: Holy shit, is that a dog? I sure hope not. I hate to think what around here coulda done that to a freaking dog.

EDIT 2: Found it. Whatever was munching on it pulled it into the space between my garage and the fence. It looks more worked over now and reeks pretty freaking bad when you get close enough to take a pic. I'm back in the house typing this and I think I'm going to vomit.

I Love The Internets.

00:00:92

That's how much time I had left on the clock when I got the "challenge" for JABBA'S PALACE on Star Wars Lego just now.

Yeah, I know. Productive Easter, eh? Had a very tasty roast beef dinner with the folks and watched "Tombstone" with my Mom. Who kept whispering the dialog along with the movie while we watched. Yes, I teased her about it.

So now I'm home, sipping on a shot of fine Bourbon and eating the dark chocolate bunny she bought me. I obeyed the Chocolate Bunny Law, which stipulates that the ears must be chomped first.

It might seem silly, but it's often days like this that I'm more grateful for. Simple pleasures and a feeling of homey-ness. They're too far between for my likes and I think I might just have to do some things to fix that.

Here's a Bad Joke For Ya.

Three notes walk into a bar: a C, an E-flat and a G.

The bartender says he doesn't serve minors.

So the E-flat leaves and the C and G have a fifth between them.

Yeah, That WOULD Be Overkill....

So I'm talking to a friend this morning about wanting a shotgun.

"What do you need one for?"

"Well in case I need to shoot someone." (My standard answer nowadays.)

"You can use your handgun."

"Well what if I'm dead tired and only half awake? It's easier to hit your target with a shotgun. Plus, I can use it for hunting. With either shot or as a slug gun."

"A slug gun? You use a shotgun for that?"

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Yeeeeaaaahhh... what's the big deal? You use a slug instead of shot."

"Oh... I thought you meant shooting slugs in your garden."


More slug-gy goodness HERE and HERE.

Wow... I Am Stunned...

Look at the paintjob on that mother!

HERE's the painter's website.

Just Thought Of The Best Way To Explain...

Okay, now this about "2 girls, 1cup". If you know, it is really gross so don't read and whine to me later. But if you don't mind REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY gross stuff...

(As in the video described in this link is one of the sickest things I've ever seen and it's discussed in detail.)

http://www.bspcn.com/2007/12/04/2-girls-1-cup/

But anyway, if you don't mind gross shit, read it and then my comment.

More Good Food News

From HERE.

This combined with the Lipton bottled iced teas with real sugar instead of the usual 'high fructose corn syrup' (SCREW YOU, SNAPPLE!) gives me hope for future sodas.

I keep meaning to go to some Wetback grocery stores to find some real Coca-Cola with sugar instead of HFCS.

Viva la Sugar Revolutiono!

A Magical Place...

The Daily Show

"Funny Games" Is a Suck-Ass Film

In case you think it might be worth seeing, it isn't. It's a too-long piece of moldy dogshit. There is nothing interesting or worthwhile in the entire film.

Short form: it does nothing but degrade and murder a family of three (including a young boy) in a pathetic and cruel manner. Worse, the two attackers/killers are gay. I don't mean just homosexuals, I mean they're fucking GAY. As in limp-wristed, really bad acting spoiled little bitches. They come off as prissy and cowardly pussies. That just happen to kill innocents for fun and profit. And one of them has a uni-brow that just annoyed the fuck out of me.

There's no dramatic tension, either. The entire film feels like a foregone conclusion from the start.

Shane says "Well it broke the fourth wall."

It didn't break the fourth wall. It bent the fourth wall over and fucked it like the guy raping Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. The manner in which that wall is broken is stupid and completely nonsensical.

If you saw that French POS "High Tension", you realize at the end of the film that things happened on screen that could not possibly have happened. It's simply impossible. I don't mean Tom Cruise leaping off a motorcycle at 100MPH into a body jumping from another cycle heading the other way at 100MPH too then slamming into one another and surviving kind of stupid bullshit impossible.

I mean, something happens on screen that fricassees your suspension of disbelief and serve it on a cracker with shit pate and an olive (no pimento). As in a paradox that cheats the viewer by making something you saw on that screen into a lie.

Just trust me: don't waste your time. Watch anything else. PLEASE. I beg of you. If I deny the makers of this film $1, my time writing this is well-spent.

As I said to my friends when this garbage ended: I hated Cabin Fever when I saw it but I'd rather sit through THAT again while on fire than watch Funny Games ever again.

Yes, I put spoilers in here. No, I truly don't care if I ruined this film for you. If you watch it and enjoy it, there's probably something very wrong with you. Yes, sadly, that includes Shane and Phil.

Sounds About Right...

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." -- Groucho Marx

Pretty Young-Looking For My Age...

And I taught Newton everything he knows. Who do you think hit him in the head with that apple? Guy needed a jumpstart!

Too bad I forgot most of my native German language in my centuries abroad.

MY Wiki entry.

But they left out my being Cassanova's wingman and mentor! Hello! Before me, he was all about the missionary. The Floating Pumpkin? The Turkish Flipped Wheelbarrow? The Flaming Bunghole Reamer? My goodness, Wikipedia just leaves out so much! He would have NEVER bagged that nun without my help! NEVER!

Accounts of my death, however... eh, you know the rest.

(Tip o' de hat ta Shanus!)

Good Sign (I think)

I had another dream this morning.

I was riding a bicycle in a some city and out of nowhere a wetback started shooting me. He struck my shoulder and another shot somewhere else. I tried to escape but he bird-dogged me, keeping up on foot.

Then I remembered I had a gun on me, stopped and drew. The WB freaked but didn't back away so I took aim. But my body was twitching from my wounds. I kept a bead on him and noted the "backstop". There was a Hooters and some other stores behind my assailant and I wasn't sure of my shot. I didn't want to hit someone eating wings!

So the beaner kept bobbing and weaving until I found a "good" shot.

Then I woke up.

Not that I don't have some very serious issues with my dream self's behavior. But I really do like that my subconscious is being a conscientious shooter.

So Shane Asks...

"So, after getting your email, I have to ask: WHAT is up with you and this current addiction to Vanilla Ice????

Plus, this video is NOT as good as the scene from the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze". They tried, by cutting in shots of the Turtles, but nothing beats watching Tokka and Rahzar in the scene..."

I really have no idea why "Ice, Ice Baby" is stuck in my skull nonstop these past few days. It's beyond annoying. The only plus side is that when I relate the "lyrics" to those around me, it generally really annoys them.

Then I made the mistake of looking on YouTube for "Bring Da Noise" by Anthrax and Public Enemy. So I have two rap songs rattling in my head incessantly. I really do hate it, but what can you do for relief other than crank some metal?

The Classics Never Die...

What Will Those Ancient Bastards Think Of Next?

TEA BAGGIN'!!!!!!!!

Fascinating website, shows ways to patch together multiple Halo 3 screenshots and make composite. With and without Photoshop effects. Some amazing pictures on here for you Halo 3 fans out there (all four of you).

http://haloramics.tiedtheleader.com/index.html

http://halo3screenshots.com/category/completely-bad-ass/

Just bad:
http://ahcs.bungie.org/comics/46/

The Master Chief Falls To (Lego) Pieces!

http://www.saber-scorpion.com/lego/halo.php

(Thanks for commenting about this, Dave. I found that link cuz of you.)

Wow. I am impressed. I wish Bungie would run with this! I'd buy them... for my nephew... (ahem).

Crap... reading that site, I just found out that if you earn all 1000 gamer points on Halo 3, you get the Security Armor. Now I have to really step up my playing! This is going to be a serious pain in the ass to achieve.

See also: http://multiplayerblog.mtv.com/2007/09/18/lego-halo/

Great GEETARRRR Playin'!!!!!

www.californiaguitartrio.com

Great show. A lot of fun arrangements of some classical pieces, "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly", "Starry Night" and their own tunes. Oh, and the encore finale "Freebird"!

They don't seem to take it all too seriously, but they tore it up on stage tonight. Plus, really cool bonus: they had the show just performed available for sale 20 minutes or so after the show was over! They had a CD burning tower running of the soundboard feed. I haven't listened to it cuz I just got home a few seconds ago, but I'm going to dupe it and bring it to work tomorrow.

If you get a chance, catch their show. It's well worth your time.

Goofy Crap

"Women are like elevators, we push their buttons in the hopes that they will go down on us."

From here: http://www.bobsakamano.com/bob_sakamano/

Which made me think of this, from a text on my phone today:

Who's the greatest female in history?

Mrs. (sic) Pac-Man. For 25 cents the bitch swallows until she dies.

So I'm Dreaming, Just Now...

It was weird, I was bouncing from place to place...

First I was in some living room looking at photos with this girl from real life.

Then I'm on a motorcycle with her in the hills somewhere. It's her bike, and she's on the back. As it should be.

Then I'm killing guys underwater a la Rambo, sticking fish hooks and other nasty implements into their faces and skulls.

So far, so good. Right?

Nope. I'm killing these guys, and then the bad guy boss appears underwater. Talking normally, and he decides to make the water go away. And we're not underwater anymore. Like he's god or something.

Not good enough. My brain seemed to say "OH COME ON!" and I abruptly woke up with a "What kind of shitty movie was THAT?" attitude in my skull.

I guess my dreams have to be reality based for me to stay in them. How lame of my brain.

Duna-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana...

http://www.gametrailers.com/game/5046.html

This looks like so much silly fun! I cannot wait. I love the Star Wars Lego: The Complete Saga. (Thanks again to Shane for my birthday gift.)

Now THERE'S A Brain Trust I'VE Been Waitin' Ta Hear From...

Hey! Everything's okay now! Obama has celebreties! They made a music video! It's on YouTube!

"The video is based on a line Obama delivered in a speech: "We are the ones we've been waiting for," and it features celebrities such as Jessica Alba, George Lopez, Luis Guzman, Ryan Phillippe, John Leguizamo, Kate del Castillo, Malcolm Jamal Warner and Macy Gray. The vibe is one of youthful diversity, with characters in scruffy downtown chic, filmed in black and white."

You know what's sad? Somehwere, someone is having their mind changed by this video. And their vote counts JUST as much as yours. How depressing.

I was going to post the video, but.... Just do yerself a favor and watch this instead:



(Quick aside: I love that Jazz bass.)

"Not Too Bad For A Blind White Boy..."

http://jeffhealey.com/home.htm

Jeff Healey passed yesterday of cancer at 41. That's too bad for his family, to be gone at such a young age.

He had a good voice and some badass licks on the geetar. I tend to like my blues with more of a rock edge, and Jeff sure delivered. Man, could he wail.

His album "See The Light" is pretty good. In fact, I'm putting it in right... now.

His album "Cover To Cover" is really good. Some killer guitar work on some classic rock and blues tunes.

I always tried to keep an eye out for him touring, it just seemed like it would be a good show. It's a shame, I missed out not ever catching him.

EDIT: I forgot how much I love his version of Hendrix' "Angel" from "Cover to Cover". Great song, great performance.

In pace requiescat, Mr. Healey.

How Is That "Reckless Endangerment"?

HEADLINE:

Officials: Man Asked Friend to Shoot Him So He Could Skip Work

He ASKED to be shot.

That's completely recked, obviously by both parties.

I simply could not vote "guilty" were I on this jury. Sorry. Dude asked for it. Simple as that.

That said, I love the sub-headline of "What happened to faking a cough?"